Mothers

Mother. The word conjures up all sorts of meanings and emotions depending on who your mother was or is, and if you are a mother.  I've met lots of mothers in private life and in my job.  The ones in my private life were, no surprise, a lot like me. We were anxious to do a good job which meant raising well-loved, secure, and independent children. We encouraged our progeny to do well, behave, and absorb our values. Our children lacked for nothing in the realm of parental attention and support.  Some mothers and fathers ran themselves ragged with children's activities.  We were and still are our children's biggest fans and most loyal supporters.

For most of my life I've thought that mothers by their very nature were like mine, nurturing with unconditional love and endless support.  But in the course of meeting many mothers over the last 17 years I've come to realize that the idea of "mother" that I carried around with me was too narrow a description. I haven't met any mothers that didn't appear to love their child no matter his/her shortcomings, but the way mothers show love varies from person to person and culture to culture.

There are mothers who smother their children, continuing to spoon feed them lunch at school at the age of 8.  Mothers who deliver homework to irresponsible children failing to teach them that actions have consequences.  Then there are mothers who berate their child for bad behavior in front of others but fail to act and correct the behavior.  Strange as it may seem there are mothers and fathers who have ceded control of their family to their child and cannot figure out how to regain their standing as "parents-in-charge."  Some mothers require their children to work as if they were going to Harvard next year, leaving only Sunday as a day without academic instruction.  As awful as it sounds to me there are mothers and fathers who never take their children out of their neighborhood. Parents who fail utterly to provide their children with new life experiences. Other mothers fight for their children as if they are the only children who count selfishly regarding other children as expendable and unimportant.

When women talk about their own mothers I have discovered that other women have mothers as unlike mine as they could possibly be.  Women whose mothers were hyper-critical so that no matter what they did it was never enough for mom. I've met women whose mothers were self-absorbed and neglectful or consciously hurtful.  Others had mothers whom they loved but with whom they did not enjoy a particularly close relationship.

Lots of mothers strive to be unlike their own mothers which I find very sad.  Not that they want to be good mothers but that they felt "unmothered" in some deep part of themselves. That in some deep part of themselves they didn't feel unconditional love and acceptance from the one person who is supposed to love you most no matter what.

To my own mother, gone almost 20 years now, I owe a profound debt of gratitude.  She loved her children unconditionally and showed it every day. We were lucky to have had such love and emotional intimacy from our mother who loved us best of all.