That seems like a fairly simple definition of a friend. Friendship is the state of being friends or having a bond of mutual affection with another person. As children our friendships develop from proximity. Mostly we make friends with kids at school or in our neighborhood. As long as the other kid shares and doesn't beat on us we pretty much like everyone. Then comes middle school, hell on earth for most kids. We have to be careful who we're friends with or other cooler kids won't be friends with us. Rumors and gossip can leave us friendless and sitting alone at the lunch table. A seemingly endless social death. It's a special hell reserved for 12 and 13 year olds.
High school is only a little better. It's possible to find a group to hang with and spend all of high school with the same kids. It's great if you're an athlete, musician, or super student because your group is ready made. You are simply friends with all the other runners or band geeks or math geniuses. It's tougher if you haven't got any extra-curricular activities but usually you're still able to find at least a couple of friends with whom to connect.
I personally longed for the day when I would be an adult and having friends would no longer depend on what I wore or how I looked. At least that was the way I looked at it at 17 when I had few friends and was definitely not part of the cool crowd. It proved to be true. Beginning in college my friendships have been based on mutual interests, common experiences, and similar values. In adulthood there are no "cool kids". And if there are, I don't care. Now I'm more concerned with who I like rather than who likes me. I think that's a much better place to be.
Still, adult friendships can run into hazards. Some take a dive into rough water due to changing circumstances and end with acrimony on one or both sides. Some ebb and flow depending on life events like new jobs, moves, and children. But all friendships need to be nurtured. Failing to stay in touch, depending on the other person to make all the overtures, or harboring feelings of envy or jealousy can end a perfectly good friendship. But still, why should we care if friends fall by the wayside? Just make new ones, right?
We care because it's wonderful to have long time friends with whom you have shared vacations, child rearing and celebrations. You have a shared history almost like family. You laugh together about the dumb things you or your kids do. They won't pass judgment on either you, your kid or your parenting skills. After all, you've been in some of life's trenches together. You remember times spent together and congratulate and encourage each other as you face new challenges. So when long time friendships begin to crumble it leaves a gap not only in your social life but in your emotional life as well.
When friends you've had for ages start to pull away, the gap takes time to fill. It also takes some planning if your social calendar isn't already packed. Where can I meet new people? Join a group? Take a class? Stand on the corner with a sign that reads: Will work for friends? It's a very real problem.
All studies show that people with a stable social network live longer healthier lives. That I believe. What would I do without my friend that calls and forces me out the door to exercise especially when I don't want to go? Or my other friend with whom I have Skype dates so we can talk about the next phase of our lives and tell each other how great we are? I can't forget my young friend and colleague who treats me as if I were also young and hip and lets me share in the joys of having a 2 year old. There are other friends we see infrequently due to distance, but we always pick up where we left off sharing vacation stories, political views and of course news about our offspring. I have a brave and dear friend who tells me she loves me when she calls and makes my day brilliant and special.
So my unsolicited advice, which as one friend told me "is as good as what you paid for it", is, appreciate your friends, you'll be healthier, happier and live longer. And who doesn't want that?
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