Remote Control

At the Las Vegas Consumer Electronics show in January some TV manufacturers unveiled the latest in TV technology.  Soon the remote control or tuner as we've called it in our house since I was a little kid will be obsolete.  You'll be able to wave a hand or give a voice command and voila! your TV will change stations.  I don't know about you but I have a bad feeling about putting this kind of technology into a device that has multiple users at the same time.

Imagine if you will, a quiet night at home with the family.  Dinner is over, the dishes are done and mom, dad, sister and brother grab their spots on the sofa for an hour or three of relaxing in front of the best TV in the house, a 60", 1/8" thick OLED.  What to watch? Always a decision fraught with tension. Clap on and the TV turns on. For the sake of argument let's imagine that there is more than one good show on at the same time. Dad, in his deep voice, commands, "channel 4". Channel 4 appears and there are groans all around.  No one wants to watch basketball for god's sake! But there is no discussion, no compromise. Brother just shouts out, "Channel 11" and instantly the newest episode of The Simpsons appears. Now we hear groans from mom. "How about channel 165 (HGTV)?" and there we are, House Hunters in Romania looking for the perfect 100 square foot apartment. More shouts of "no, no, not that again!" Mom sighs, gets up, and goes looking for her Kindle.  She knows she's lost the battle and doesn't want to be involved in the war.

Teenaged sister yells out, "Channel 400", and True Blood appears, two pale as death characters smooching as if the world is ending. Younger brother covers his eyes and shrieks, "channel 11" whereupon Bart Simpson reappears with Crusty. By this time Dad is getting annoyed to say the least.  The game has started and he's missing the first quarter. "Channel 4" he says decisively and Kobe appears in a replay of his missed free throw. The shouting grows increasingly frenzied as numbers are shouted at the TV and programs flip back and forth too rapidly to be seen.  Soon Dad and kids are standing, faces red, ordering  each other to be quiet. To no avail. Then the insults begin. "Your show sucks!" "You just want to watch cartoons!  Big baby!" And on it goes. Teenaged sister finally stalks off slamming her bedroom door, hurling one last insult behind her, "You moron!" Satisfied for the moment, Brother sits down saying "channel 11".  He hadn't counted on Dad however and before his eyes Bart and Homer disappear and a Bud Light commercial is playing.

Giving his son a serious stink eye, Dad settles himself in his favorite spot and prepares to enjoy his game. Brother plods off, a mutinous look on his face. Even without the remote, Dad has triumphed! But wait, he looks around.  He's alone. Yes he can watch the game but he can also feel the tension in the house.  Music blares from the kids' rooms and the master bedroom door is closed and locked.

Ah, family time, 2012.